Beautiful people. You know who they are. The ones who look gorgeous without a trace of makeup, perpetually a size two, gorgeous hair, and their skin looks airbrushed. They actually glide along, like on a cloud of beauty and grace, not of this Earth.
I stumble along, an AP (average person). And 99% of the rest of us. Now being an AP doesn’t mean that you aren’t actually attractive, just that you don’t have the golden glow of a BP.
BPs have always been a mystery to me, mostly because I am so not one of them.
Zip back down memory lane to a high school dance, gawking over a BP boy.
Me: W-would you like to dance? (stutter)
BP boy: I wouldn’t dance with you if you wore a bag over your head. (nudge friends, laughing)
Me: Oh. Okay. (Head down, slink away to cry in bathroom, therapy considered)
Now, I’m not saying all BPs are mean. That was high school after all, the meanest place there is. Here’s the list of 2012 most beautiful people, according to People Magazine.
Are you a BP wanting to date a BP? Did you know there’s a dating website just for beautiful people called – Beautiful People (of course). But what’s happens when a computer virus (appropriately called Shrek) exposes how the ugly folks got dumped? The owners had to set up a counseling helpline for rejected applicants.
Just how do you console someone dumped from this dating service who’s hung up on being a BP? “Why not try a job as medical transcriptionist. You can work at home and no one will ever see you.” Or “I hear there’s still a leprosy colony in the Pacific. You could do shows there and be the most BP on the island.”
Voted off that island? Try Survivor. Being a Survivor junkie I oggle over those BPs on Survivor. Gorgeous guys and gals in the dirty wild. Damn, how do they look so good roughing it? I’d need my face cream, cover up, and hair dryer…not to mention six months with a Marine-style personal trainer before I looked so good on a buggy island.
Want to be a BP? Try these treatments!
1. LSD Acne Treatment
Because clean and clear skin is a huge part of being a BP, even if it means smearing a hallucinogen all over your face.
Created by Dr Pokitonoff, this acne treatment recommends mixing Vaseline with Ergotine to cure those little blemishes. Either it works or you magically float away to a land where zits are beautiful because you suddenly start absorbing the lysergic acid that exists in Ergotine (this is the fun part of LSD). Soon in no time you’re flashing back to when you did have clean skin, possibly while bungee jumping by your hair over a fiery volcano.
2. Geisha Guano Facial
The Geisha facial is an ancient beauty secret so awesome modern women are flocking to get. Why? To have nightingale shit spackled on their face.
Apparently, guanine is a chemical that does wonders for the complexion and bird poop (guano) is a fantastic source of it. And now you too can pay wads of dough to have a stranger put shit on your face on purpose.
Or you could just stand outside and wait for a big one to hit you.
3. Lion Piss Hair Treatment
Bird shit not your thing? How about doing what ancient Venetian women did? They achieved beautiful blonde highlights in the hair by pouring lion urine on their locks before sitting out in the sun. First, I want to know where one acquires lion piss to begin with. I have a cat who could pee on you for free.
4. Foot Eating Fish Cleansing
Want to get rid of those ugly callouses? Bathe your feet with a bunch of flesh eating fish. Apparently doctor fish just really like to eat bits of dead skin. Ewww. Now available in some fancy spas, where rich folks pay for the right to let fish eat their feet.
BPs are everywhere in the media. Marilyn Manson’s song title, The Beautiful People, comes from Marilyn Bender’s 1967 book The Beautiful People, which exposed the world of scandal within the “jet-set” lifestyle of the 1960s.
Christina Aguilera flaunted BPs burlesque style in her song, Beautiful People. I prefer her other song, You’re Beautiful, where she sings “You’re beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can’t bring you down.” Words to live by. You’re beautiful in all you are.
When my son worries he’s too fat or his hair looks funny, I tell him he’s beautiful and people will love him for he is anyways. Funny and compassionate. People don’t love you just because you’re beautiful. Besides, I’d much rather be a John Candy with heart than a J.Lo diva.
And as an AP, I like this quote by a different “Marilyn” and one of the world’s classic beauties, Marilyn Monroe, who said “All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren’t.” And no one needs a bag over their head just to deserve a dance.
Let’s not forget Anne Frank, trapped in an attic for years to survive, who wrote simply: “Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” She may not have survived, but her words did.
So while, some days I daydream about being a BP most days I’m glad to just be me and look around at all the beauty in my life.
Have you wanted to be a BP and didn’t fit in or are you happy being you? Have you had good or bad experiences with BPs?